I’ve been thinking what makes Gavin so special to me. I’ve even tried to be unbiased and objective with my thoughts, though it’s not always that easy. I’ve written about it before in my post ‘Why Gavin?’, but I just can’t leave this subject to be. I mean, I constantly keep wondering.
What it is that makes me feel so good around him?
What it is in him that makes me do things differently?
I haven’t been travelling around the world for any singer/band/celeb before. Why on earth now? Why for him?
What it is that makes him so special to me?
Oh, yes, and this one: Am I out of my mind?
Do you know what I’m talking about?
I’ve been pointing out to myself that this is just some guy. Just some person that I don’t personally know at all. Most likely it’s only my imagination, the image I have of him in my mind.
Imagination, or not, it has done things to me. Seriously.
He has made me able to fly.
He has set me free from my imprisonment I had condemned myself.
I know this blog isn’t about me, but I consider this as such a great gift, that I cannot just let it be.
Shortly put: I have been so very sensitive for others’ needs that I have forgotten to keep my own needs in mind. So very thoughtful that I have forgotten to think about myself. Always being ready to be anything they wanted me to be.
Not anymore, I’m not. I don’t want to be anything other than me, not anymore, I don’t.
Thanks to this man.
It sounds weird, I know, but somehow it is his doing. I mean, it’s my decisions, my behaviour, I agree, that has changed, but you know, listening him has made me stronger. I have been soaking up his energy, his way of doing things, his friendliness, his equality.
I have longed to be free. And suddenly I realize that I am. I don’t know what has changed or how exactly, all I know is that I am. I wouldn’t been able to even think about travelling London alone for some years ago. Now I’m just so much looking forward to it! And planning to even do Amsterdam, too.
I feel like I have been found.
You know, it’s not that he has been doing any of this finding-part, but he has opened my eyes so I can do it myself.
But still, no explanation why. Damn, It’s so freaking hard to capture. It’s just a feeling, how do you catch that?
Well, okay. I started my journey with ‘I don’t want to be’, obviously. I listened it over and over and over again. And again. And again. I took it as my personal motto. I realized that wait a minute. I don’t want to be anything other than me. That’s me, *I* don’t want it. Not my hubby, not my mom, not my friends, not my neighbour, not my boss, not Gavin. Me.
I continued with constant overdose of mr DeGraw’s music. It’s funny how some few words can make you feel better. ‘The worst is over now’, ‘Even if you’ve been through hell you’re back’, ‘I’m beginning to change for I feel all my fears slip away’. Oh, and of course, the grinning helps too. Just listen: ‘Put up your hands and surrender to me‘, oh, okay, with pleasure. ‘Just wait untill the darkness falls so I can sin with you‘. Or, how about ‘Hold my gun and tell me where you’re from’?
Ha. Feeling better already?
And, some melodies, too. I’m in awe every time I listen ‘Chariot’ -the Alice Lounge version of it. When the last notes fade away I’m like holding my breath and after a few seconds I can breathe again, feeling so much enjoyment and some kind of purification or regeneration it’s amazing. Just the right notes, just the right timing of them, just the right… thing for me.
Let me see, if I can find it from YouTube for you. Oh, yesss. Here you go:
What do you think? Beautiful, right?
Okay, the thing that makes him so special to me is those things he has made me to do. I have no idea why he has this impact on me, but I’m so, so, so grateful for it. It might be the case indeed, that I wouldn’t know me at all (in this extent) without G.
Why I travel? For I want more! I want to feel more like this! More like me. Be more part of this community of fans -stuff. Yes, and I want more of Gavin, always. Insatiable, ha!
I have found something precious, I want to keep it alive.
And I’m so happy he’s coming back to Europe so fast. I mean, I was prepared to wait like a couple of years before I could have my second (and third, apparently) chance to see him.
And oh, am I out of my mind?
In a way I am.
I’m sure my husband doesn’t get it. He’s plainly aware of my obsession and he keeps taunting me of it, but who cares. Ha. He just needs to accept this part of my life, because that’s me.
But in a way, I’m not.
For finding my true self is the most reasonable thing for me to do. For anybody to do.
Why not getting a bit excited about it?