Forum, London, 20th September 2014

The day to remember

I was totally freaking out before my trip, first of all because of Gavin and secondly because I was travelling alone abroad, that I had never done before. I tried to plan carefully everything I would do in London, because I had planned to stay there a couple of days, and I had this strange feeling of not being willing to waste any time hanging aimlessly around. For Amsterdam I had no such worries, it was all like ‘if I get through the London-part, everything else will sort itself out somehow’. I had no idea how to get from the Amsterdam airport to my hotel, but that did not concern me at all. All I could think was what to wear in the meet&greet. Ha.


The Saturday. Oh damned. I was wide awake at 6 am. Couldn’t sleep though I tried. I was so anxious. I cheked my tickets and my gifts for G and doublecheked. Read through my brilliant, brilliant idea for a gift: a collection of poems written by me and actually felt pretty good about it. I put it down and smiled and thought ‘yeah, that’s about it. That’s what I want to say to him’.

When got to the avenue I asked from the box office where should I go for I had this m&g -thing. The lady gave me a look and told me to get in line. I was confused, but obeyed. The queue was HUGE. I mean, it was almost 7 pm and there were so many people it was ridiculous. The line went from the door, around the building, along the street so far I could see. I was getting a bit devastated.

My VIP-tickets, ha, my ass.

So, there I stood and waited. More people kept coming. I was getting really nervous when the time was over 7 pm already and the line wasn’t even budging. Just when I decided that I leave my place and go asking someone else, people started moving. But the line went on soooo slowly I was biting my nails. In the email I was told that the meet&greet would start exactly at 7:30 and that there was a possibility to be late from it. I was terrified for I had seen nightmares about being late from it. So, when I saw a next yellow-vested guy I just asked again where should I go.
He told me the same: “Stay in line, there are no other queues we’ve been informed of.”
“But there’s this certain time I should be in”, I tried, but they weren’t impressed. So, I stood still yet another nerve breaking minutes.

Finally I got in and also my bag full of Gavin merchandise and we were told to wait a bit longer. The rules were told: No phones, no photos, no kissing. And just one item for signing. ‘Oh, bummer’, I thought.  For what particulary, I didn’t know.

We were led outdoors and I was feeling surprised for it, for the weather was getting windy and dark clouds were hanging above our heads. So, we stood there and waited again, right next to the huge black tour bus and I was noticing my thinking ability to vanish. And suddenly, there he was.

The meet & greet

Ahh. My man! I saw him and just smiled. He looked exactly the same as he does in every picture and interview I have ever seen. Something huge and warm just took over me. I was just thinking ‘awwww, there he is’ over and over again.

I looked the people getting to him, talking a bit, getting something signed and taking the photo with him. I wasn’t paniced, I was just happy and smiling. Untill it was my turn. There he was, reaching his hand towards me.
“Hi, what’s your name”, he said.
His eyes. Dear god. How sweet and warm and beautful eyes does that man have! So damned gorgeous… I was totally out of this world. I told him my name, and was a bit proud to remember it.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Gavin”, he told me.
I would have laughed if I would have had anything left in my brain. I also thought ‘nice to meet you, too’, but the words didn’t want to come out from my mouth.
“Do you want me to sign something for you?”
“Yes, this”, I said and handed my ticket over.
“How do you spell your name?” he asked and in the same time he draw a letter T on the ticket.

I was all tangled. Why did he draw a letter T? That was for some reason the most intriguing question for me at the moment. It was the reason I couldn’t answer the question right away. I saw the next letter was going to be o and I suddenly realized that there would read ‘to’ and only after that mesmerizing realization I could understand what he had just asked me.

I was happy that I had practised to spell my name, just for the case! So, proudly I started, but it went all bad from the beginning. I tried to correct it but it even went worse. Finally he showed me the name for me to approve if it was correct and I just had gotten enough of spelling and didn’t want him to feel awkward with my name, so I just said: “That’s fine.”
Somehow Gavin read between the lines and said: “Oh, so you want two k’s.”
I was totally amazed (again) and mumbled something that could have been “yes” (well, I don’t necessarily want two k’s but they belong to my name, so…), and the sweet man corrected it yet once more.

I watched him to draw his squiggles on my ticket and realized that there was this awkward silence and that I should get talking, and I was lucky enough to have this gift in my hands so I could remember what I was about to say. So, I showed my daughter’s drawing to him.

“This is from my daughter, she loves you so much”, I said. And thought at the same time and so do I, but I was so not going to say it out loud.
“Thank you”, Gavin immediately responded. He took his time to look at the picture and then he laughed a bit, in happy manner, and said: “That is so great. Do you want me to sign it for her?”
“No, no, she wanted you to have it”, I said immediately, but in the same time I was thinkin something like ‘awww, how sweet can a man be? We were strictly told that just one signing for a person and now this gorgeous man is asking if he could do two for me. And E would so much like it, but she really wanted to give it to G.’
And again he thankyoued me. Then I gathered all my courage that was left (it wasn’t much) and showed my own gift.

“And, I did this for you”, I said and felt somehow flattered and awkwardly scared at the same time when he took his time again to see what I was showing. But just then and there my courage failed and I hide my scribbling from his eyes. I know I should have explained something, but I had nothing left. It was so much all I could take. His gaze and his voice and his.. everything.
“Tell your daughter that I really love it”, he said.
“I will tell her”, I said and then Gavin was moving towards the place the picture was going to be taken and I just followed him. I can’t really remember anything, suddenly I was just holding him and he was holding me, and I was amazed how easy and natural it felt. (And, I had something going on in my brain still, for I remember thinking in a slightly disappointed way: ‘oh man, he doesn’t smell anything special’. The essentials, folks, the essentials!)

We needed to take two pictures, and ha, in the first one I tried to smile, but in the second I didn’t even try, for my face was becoming all spastic and numb. After the second take I hesitated to let go for I somehow imagined that there would be still another one. But there wasn’t, obviously, so I had to let go.
“Thank you for the gifts”, he said. “I really appreciate it.”
And then he high-fived me. I touched his hand and thought ‘oh wow, your hand is so soft’. Yes I know, I can concentrate on the things that matter, right?
And right after that he said: “Thank you, darling.”
And at that point I totally lost it. I didn’t know where I was going and forgot almost to take my signed ticket with me, and then I just buggered off. Very, very confused, like in some kind of drugs.

Suddenly I was standing in the venue and Joey was playing on stage and I was thinking ‘what the hell did just happen’.
I didn’t say one thing I had planned to say.
I didn’t even tell him that I liked his music (well, that’s kinda obvious anyways).
I didn’t say how much help his music has been for me, how much I appreciate the chance to finally meet him,
I didn’t even say ‘nice to meet you’.

It was BAD!! So damned bad! I wanted to cry (well, not at that point, I was way too high for any emotions, but later). I felt like I had made myself a complete idiot in his eyes. I wrote down later that for a long time I wished G to know I exist, and now he does, and that’s even worse. That if I could go back in time I would change everything. Just every single thing. And I had huge regrets of giving that stupid poem-thing to him anyways, I wanted to go back and grab it from his hands. I wanted to go back and tell him that I could actually form a sensible sentence. Now that I love you, I thought, oh, I wish we never met.

But Gavin is amazing. So friendly, so warm, so respectful. His gaze was so thoroughly given only for me for the second we locked eyes. Like I was the only person in the room (oh, yeah, we were outdoors, but…) Actually I was nervous when still standing on the line to get to him, nervous because the other people could heard how confused I would be (and I was!!), but you know, the man did his magic.
There was absolutely no other person around when we spoke. I swear.
They vaguely started to come back at that time when the security guy tried to give my ticket back.

The concert

The concert itself was amazing, as they seem to be always. It felt familiar to me, for I have been youtubing way too much Gavin’s stuff and I felt like I had seen it all the way through before. But his live performance is just something I never get bored to watch. I love to see his passion and his talent. Loved it.


I still hoped that he would have done some different songs as well, some like ‘Belief’ or ‘Free’ or, I don’t know, something where his gorgeous voice would have been more apparent. The show was planned to be fast and furious and spectacular and forceful and… But I missed the more softer side of his.

In the very beginning the audience was screaming for a time that felt almost never ending. We just kept going and going and going. Gavin was so cutely confused and lovely happy that he made us just keep going even longer. It was so fun.


He started in the familiar way with Leading man, Chariot and Sweeter, sang the shiveringly gorgeous Where the streets have no name, kept going with Everything wil change, We belong together, I don’t want to be… there were Finest hour, In love with a girl, Who’s gonna save us… Obviously also Best I ever had and Fire and he the final song was again Not over you. I so much enjoyed watching him having fun. There were others, but I can’t remember. I guess the setlist was pretty much the same it has been the whole summer.


So, afterwards it all feels somehow so distant, blurred, unreal, like it all was just my imagination. And it feels sad. But then I see my signed ticket and realize it wasn’t just a dream. It was my first ever special moment with G.


Last time I was first time in his concert. I was in the backest of the back rows, so far I couldn’t even imagine our eyes would have met. The experience was intense, though, it was amazing, amazing, amazing. I think I floated when walking away. I was distracted and overly happy.

This time… it’s hard to explain. It was so special to actually be able to meet him. How hw looked exactly as he is used to, how warm I felt inside. I didn’t feel any urge to scream or shout, I was just so completely taken. I don’t have any words for it.

@eeeelizabethh told me not to die under his gaze. Well, I didn’t. It was surely amazing, but I survived.

I’m glad I put some details on paper right after getting back to my hotel. For now I don’t remember it anymore. It has all become a soft, beautiful, and yes, blurred emotion of appericiation, respect and love.

No screaming, folks. Just the love.

I so much loved, respected to see him on stage. Being so happy, doing his thing. It was different, like I was watching my very dear friend to perform and feeling proud and happy for him.

And that’s the difference.
At the last time he was just a rock star.
This time I had grown so much closer to him, so I could enjoy it on way more deeper level.

Oh, and the collection of poems? Here’s one of those.


The girl who was afraid
of making mistakes
and to avoid them did nothing,
is traveling to London alone.

The girl who left the decisions
to others who knew better
but silently felt unhappy and ignored
bought the tickets in secret.

The girl who doublecheked evry thing
in her life just to be sure
and perfect,
is now proud of herself when not trying to be anyone else.

The girl who was lost and lonely
easily passed by on the street
and craved for being seen,
has been found.

The girl who had no courage to step out
and for that wasn’t able to step in either
is standing alone in the middle of the crowd

she is staring at you tonight

you may not recognize her
but she will never forget the miracle
that did happen


6 thoughts on “Forum, London, 20th September 2014

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