Poems for Gavin

This time I’m about to show you something a bit personal. You might remember that I gave a collection of poems to Gavin in London.  I read it through today and some of them made me gringe my teeth with embarrassement. But I felt that some of them actually did capture something of it, what I wanted to tell him. (And since I was unable to speak, it was a good thing to do, to give it to him. You can read the embarrassing story of my verbal skills HERE if you wish.)


Anyways. I wanted to give you a glimpse of what this man of ours has made me go through.  Here you go.



why you, my husband asked,
what do you have in you
what is that something
that makes me being taken with untill the endlessness
how could I explain
to him who doesn’t want to hear
or to see
the sound of your voice
the words, that you didn’t think of me when writing
but it is me they are carrying though


with two sentences then I said
that the words it is
and the voice
but oh how nondescript sentence that was
was enough for my husband
and even I tried to continue he wasn’t listening anymore
maybe it was better that way


for if he knew what I do
what I feel
how much I enjoy
if you did


maybe it is better
better that way

the words it is
and the voice



what are you thinking
right now
at this particular moment
when we both breathe the same air
though million miles between

how do you feel
are you happy and content
do you have any doubts for the day to come
do you believe in the better tomorrow

what do you hope for
which are the dreams that carry you through
the dark skies
for you must have those just as we all

do you ever wish you could turn back time
stop it
escape from it
from the needs and the expectations of others
do you ever need to be left alone
as I do

maybe you are sleeping
seeing wordless dreams
that will vanish when you open your eyes
the beautiful ones

what are you thinking right now


Something happened to me.
I don’t know exactly what,
but something did happen.

It must have been
your voice, your lyrics,
your way of being you.

It somehow lured me
to come out from my dim den of self-cautiousness.

Your wholeness
covering my brokenness,
like a gift from above
a frightening, frightening gift.



your words woke up
the one who was sleeping
tore loose
cracked the stony walls down around me
tamed the guarding savage beast
smoothed the thorns away
so that only the roses were left
the roses

and the freedom



I raise my hands as wings
vast white golden
above heavens the other heavens
how small we all
and you

the glorious
fiery wheels
carrying lifting sweeping over me
filled with amazement and fear
I sing to the wind

oh chariot



when deep enough
there’s a door
to the other side

your voice
pure and gorgeous
going under my skin
peeling me from myself
cutting straight through me
getting so very intimate it’s almost painful
finding the deepest core of me
the hidden one

and when deep enough
there’s a door
to the other side



The girl who was afraid
of making mistakes
and to avoid them did nothing,
is traveling to London alone.

The girl who left the decisions
to others who knew better
but silently felt unhappy and ignored
bought the tickets in secret.

The girl who doublecheked evry thing
in her life just to be sure
and perfect,
is now proud of herself when not trying to be anyone else.

The girl who was lost and lonely
easily passed by on the street
and craved for being seen,
has been found.

The girl who had no courage to step out
and for that wasn’t able to step in either
is standing alone in the middle of the crowd

she is staring at you tonight

you may not recognize her
but she will never forget the miracle
that did happen



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