The spark of my life

When seeing Gavin on this Acoustic Evening European tour in Manchester I gave him something I had written. It was my way of trying to thank him for everything he has been doing in my life. I asked him to read at least a part of it and he promised. Though, I will never know did he read it or not.

Anyways, I’ll show you guys too, what it was that I wrote. Because, it’s completely true. Do you have any similar thoughts or experiences when it comes to mr DeGraw?

The header of the scribbling was: The thing he lit that night was the spark of my life.  Here you go.


 

Gavin,

first and foremost: THANK YOU!

These thoughts are so fragile, it keeps being difficult trying to capture them without braking them into pieces that mean nothing really.

What I’m planning to do now is to take you through my journey becoming me through finding you and your music. Your music has been truly medicine for me, it has literally changed my life.

For three years you have had the sole right for being my hero. And if you knew me you would know that I don’t use that word ever, and even now when said it is not done lightly. I just can’t come up any better word for it.

You have been standing by me, you have been pouring your strength on me. You have been pulling me through, making me to believe in me. I have found myself through finding you.

I’m so very grateful for you, for everything you have done. I’m so very happy that you exist. That I’m actually able to express my gratitude.

I know I don’t know you and I never have and I never will. You have still been so close to me. It’s something I have never experienced before. I have felt like I knew you already. Like you weren’t just a celebrity, a huge rock star, but rather a long lost friend.

And even though how vague and strange this thought may sound, it is part of the reason I’m writing this to you. I hope it would mean something to you, as well, to know how great help your music has been in my life. To know that you are not doing your thing for nothing, you know, but your passion is making the difference. Not only in my life, but also in so many other people’s lives. Your work has a purpose, you have find your way to make an impact on this world. And it is a good impact. Even if you were doing this only because you’re just enjoying it, we are enjoying it probably more.

I think I might have said it pretty well in here, in a letter I wrote to my friend.

“Anyways. This story relates to Gavin, of course. I found him by accident. I bought a cd without knowing who was this guy, just because I liked his name, or something. I had absolutely no clue who he was, or what kind of music he made. But from the very first second when I put that cd on it was like electricity run through me, and I was thinking: ‘oh god, this is it.’ Over and over again. ‘This is it.’ And I had also absolutely no clue of what was ‘it’, all I knew was that I fell in love. With the voice, and with the music, and with the lyrics.

I was in a tough place back then. I was thinking of divorcing. I was unhappy pretty much with everything. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted. I didn’t know how to be different, but I was suffering inside. Every day. I was too afraid to decide, that I let others do it for me, feeling hugely ignored in the same time. I was lost, that is. And I think it may sound a bit stupid, or naïve or what ever, but there was this one thing that kept shining its light through the darkness, luring me out from my dim den of self cautiousness, and it was Gavin’s music. Bit by bit, tiny step by tiny step I changed. I started doing things I wanted to do. Small things. Very small things. When walking to work I decided to take another route than I had done before. I stopped to take pictures of things, which I had never done before. I smiled at people passing me on the street. I realized that nobody else was actually restricting me than me, myself. That others don’t really care if I walk to the left or to the right. That everything is not about me. That I don’t have to like something I don’t just because others might. That, actually, I don’t have to be anything else than me.

I was so insecure about myself it was bad. No, it wasn’t just bad, it was also very sad. I didn’t want to talk to anybody just because I thought they thought that I was too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too uninteresting to ever talk to anyways, so I made that choice for them. I felt like dying inside. But there was this one man, this certain music, that made miracles happen. Or, maybe it just made me make things happen. Made me to understand, to see things differently. And so I traveled to London to be in his concert, with my brother Jani, who was hesitating, but kindly enough wanted to come. And in this concert, when I was sitting in the backest of the back rows and just staring to the stage, I felt… I suddenly realized that this is the miracle happening right now. That there are miracles in this world, indeed. That they may not be very loud and obvious ones, but there are. It was like awakening inside. I felt that right then and there I was in the right place, in the place I was supposed to be, and it was all good. I did something because I wanted to. Only because I wanted to. That was something extraordinary to me.

And the story goes. His music continued to grow me stronger. I listened to it every single day. Every day. Over and over and over again, and never got enough. I found meanings in the songs I thought never existed before. They opened my eyes, gave names, permissions to me. The song ‘Free’ is my anthem kind of. I remember when sitting in my bus, listening to Gavin once again, I suddenly was overly mesmerized about the lyrics. I had heard the song countless times before, but suddenly it hit me. I was thinking, oh wow. That is me. I’m always the feather and the stone. I’m always the both ends of the line. And I had been feeling very guilty of this, hoping that something would cure me from that. And suddenly the song gave me a permission be who I was. It gave me a whole new perspective of the thing, thinking that it may not be as bad as I had thought it was. That there might actually be others like that, too. That it’s normal. It’s acceptable. I’m not a freak after all.

I tried my best to describe this huge change in me in my collection of poems that I gave to him last time, not sure how well did I do that, and when reading it through now I would change so much, take so many of those damn poems away… But back then it was the thing I wanted to say. And the mere thought of me traveling abroad alone… I could NEVER, never ever ever thought before it could be happening one day. Never. But you know what. There I was. In London again. Standing in front of this one man who had changed me for good, without knowing anything about it.

I wished I could somehow pay him back. I still do.

I’m not sure if I’m able to explain it correctly. It feels the words I have are not enough. In any case, this one man has helped me becoming me so tremendously, I never thought it could even be possible. I feel whole now. Like a real human being, not just a shadow of myself.

Then one day I got the urge to try to say this all I just wrote above with 140 characters in Twitter. Ha. I did my best, and BOOM. He favorited it. I can’t be sure though if it was him, or just some assistant of his, but I pretend that it was Gavin himself. And seeing this just blew my mind. I felt huge relief. Yes, relief. Thank you, I thought, this was it. I needed to write something down right after, pretending to be writing to Gavin. This is what I wrote:

I feel like our reason is here. The thing we were brought together for. You showing me the way, me thanking you. And all of the other things are forgotten. This was the reason, now I don’t long for more. I can finally let you go. But it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love you. I love you more than ever. With an accepting, grateful, respecting, amusedly warm way. I feel more than ever that I truly know you from beyond. Maybe we did have this ‘agreement of souls’, maybe we did. Keep doing your thing, my favorite person, I keep doing mine. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that our reason was found.

That man has really got some magic in him, don’t you agree. And, just as I wrote above, I have let go. I love that man, so damn much, so much that I can let him go now. We’re all good.

I don’t know does this make any sense… But somehow, just somehow I know I didn’t find him only by accident. It was meant to happen. Everything in my life ever since has been so much better. The first song that got me crying for the first time I heard it said: ‘The worst is over now’. I kept thinking back then that ‘oh, please let that be true, please let that be true’. And you know what. It was.”

I tried to write this anew, for you, but I think this captures it all so perfectly, that I have nothing to add, really. The thing I’m the most grateful of is that you made me free.

I longed to be free so freaking long time. I felt I was trapped, I had no options, but endure. I wanted to fly, but I was terrified to open my arms. Then you came along, by accident, by destiny, who knows, but you did, and with your gentle way of being freely you, you opened my eyes. For a long time your voice and your music carried me through. It gave me the strength needed to be able to carry on. With you I wasn’t afraid of heights. I was willing to try things. Find out that yeah, I can make mistakes. I can. There’s no end of the world coming right up if I mess something up. Really. But I can also succeed.

Gavin, you have changed my life and you have made me follow my dreams. It may not be the easiest road there is, but what is worth of living a life that means nothing to anybody, not even to me?

So, there you go. This is the reason I’m thanking you for. This was my journey and I’m so happy you have been part of it.

I may never know if you read this or not. I may never know how did it make you feel. All I know how it makes me feel. I feel good. Finally in my life, I feel good.

I know my words are not enough for paying you back, but they are all I have. I wish all the best to you, I wish you could know how great changes you are making in so many people’s lives. I wish you will be happy in your life and that you can keep doing the things you love.

I have stopped asking why. In the beginning I constantly asked myself why do I love Gavin so much. What it is in him that makes me love him so strongly. I don’t know what it is exactly, not even now, but I know that there was a reason behind all this. It wasn’t just an accident, it wasn’t just me being silly and fangirling. Well yeah sure, I may have done that, too, but it had so much more in it, and I’m happy I never did let you go. Without you I wouldn’t be in this place. Without you I wouldn’t be me at all. And for that you are something very special to me, and always will be.

Remember that always, will ya?

Dear Gavin,

thank you again, if you made it this far. If you did, I’m so honored that you took your time to go through this.

I wish nothing in return. All I want is to let you know that your music is working miracles in this world. Your surely are doing the thing you are supposed to be doing.

Music is your magic and words are mine. With these words I made you see a glimpse of the change in my life through my eyes. I hope you could understand how much your music means to me. How much this all means to me.

If you ever feel blue for some reason, I hope this would make you feel better. To think that at least in this world there is one person who has been set free because of you.

I think you have shown me so many things of myself it’s…. it’s getting impossible to tell. I may not always be able to see myself or my intentions clearly, but somehow you do. Your songs do. They bring the light of understanding and acceptance in my life.

You do know that I love you, don’t you?

The change in me
through your words
the knight in the shining armor
did pop up after all


 

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