Doubts and hesitations

It has been for a while. The 15 days of Gavin DeGraw -challenge ended very badly for me, for I didn’t even manage to finish it at all. I will, eventually, I promise. But now, first of all, let me apologize for not writing a word in such a long time. Let me explain some of it.

Some things happened in my personal life that took all my time and thought and made me feel like all my dreams would have been cut off, just like that. I won’t go into specifics, but I was pretty torn. It was the time I normally would have needed Gavin’s music more than ever, to make me feel better, to guide me through the darkness.

But I didn’t listen to his music. At all. It makes me feel bad to even say this, but I want to be completely honest with you guys. I didn’t evenĀ want to listen to his music. At all. I couldn’t have cared less. Every thought of him just made me feel… or better said, did not make me feel anything. It was just music, it was just somebody. Nothing amazing, nothing meaningful, nothing special.

I started wondering if there ever was anything special in it, or did I just make it up in my head. I felt stupid and dumb for ever believing anything else.

One thing that made me feel really awkward was that I saw on Facebook someone say something about Gavin’s Twitter-posts not being posted by himself, ever. It made me stop and think. It made me rewind all the tweets I had been sending and feeling even more stupid and dumb. It made me think of the one time I had foolishly believed that Gavin himself would have seen something I wrote, the thing that meant the most to me. Obviously he never did.

It made me sad. It made me feel very lonely, and stupid (again) for believing in something that never even existed. I wondered why did I made this all up. Why did I always had to be such a fool. Why did I ever thought that there could have been some meaning in all of this.

I forced myself to write about this stuff to a good friend of mine, who is thoroughly a GavinGirl herself, too. Just like I was before. She said something that made me think things again.

She told me that it didn’t matter who had been tweeting on Gavin’s behalf. That it didn’t matter who had been seeing my tweets or had anybody seen them at all. That the thing that was real and that really existed was the change in my life because of Gavin, and it couldn’t have been taken away, no matter what.

At first I just grinned when I read that. I thought that, yeah, right, a real change it has been, for I’m back in the same situation as before. That it wasn’t a permanent change, and it only worked if I wanted it to work and when I foolishly believed in it. But her words made me think even more. I couldn’t stop thinking of them.

Okay, there might have been things that I would have made up, only in my head. But, there are also things that I haven’t. And the greatest thing is one of the latter. My life has changed. It is not a lie. It is not made up by me. It has. Even in the middle of my doubts and hesitations I realized that the greatest thing did exist.

I found Gavin’s music when I was in a tough place, and his music pulled me through. As it has done so many times since. His music has made me to do things, for me. It has made me understand that it is enough to be me, I don’t have to be anything else.

And there I was. Trying to be someone I wasn’t. Trying to forget all my needs, to neglect my right to be happy, to be loved, to be me.

At this particular moment I miss the magic. I miss it like crazy. I wish I could have it back. I wish his music could heal me once again. And, yeah, I miss him. I stared some of my meet&greet photos and saw how extremely happy I was in those. Because of Gavin, for sure, but also because of I was doing the thing I wanted to do, just because I wanted to be happy.

And that is the thing his music makes me to do. Makes me to understand. There is nobody else taking care of my own happiness, of your happiness, than me, and you. We all need to start takingĀ care of ourselves. We are enough. We deserve to be happy. We matter.

And you know what? I think I might put some Gavin on right about now.